“FEARFULLY MADE” my Online, Healing Art Journal

 

“Healing the Wounds”

September 20, 2018

I recently found myself in yet another abusive relationship, and felt I had no other choice but to leave, and file for divorce.

After all the years of counseling, and self-help books, I still ended up married to a man who wanted to dismantle me mentally, devastate me financially, and intimidate me physically.

I’m not sure why people do the things they do, why some need chaos and turmoil to be happy…why a person would need to control and hurt those closest to them, just to feel powerful.

What I do know, is how to recover. Over the years of being stuck in this cycle, despite my best efforts to break it, I’ve developed amazing skills at overcoming adversity. At picking up the pieces of my shattered life, walking out with dignity, and starting over.

I’m making a COMEBACK, and with this as my new theme song, I’m starting this online ART JOURNAL.

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Abstract Painting in acrylics “LAZURUS”

I have to say that there are things that this man said and did to me, that left some very deep wounds in my heart. To truly forgive him I need to draw close to God, move into HEALING THROUGH ART  and let THE LORD mend the broken places.

I’m going to make every effort to make at least two posts a week, sharing with you my progress both emotionally, and in drawing/painting/photography.

Please join me, leave a comment, and help me through this process of recovery. Although for a while I lost sight of who I am, I know with absolute clarity WHO’S I AM.

~Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

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unfinished sketch

September 25th, 2018 (second journal entry)

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  • NOTE: For the sake of my ability to be transparent, while still respecting everyones privacy, I’ve changed the names of anyone that I mention in my journal. The things posted here, are in fact, my true life experiences. 

    My intention in publishing this online journal is for my own personal healing, and to give my testimony of the many ways God has spoken to me, and moved in my life, amidst the unraveling of a destructive marriage.

  • If you need prayer, I would be honored to pray for you, so please go to my “CONTACT” page and submit a prayer request.

    I assure you that I pray a sincere, heartfelt prayer, over every person that reaches out.

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“Discovering the TRUTH” Part One

One morning in early August, I sat watching the sunrise and considered the steps I would have to take if I chose to leave my husband “Raymond,” and file for divorce.

Tears streaming down my face, I prayed for peace…as the sadness, humiliation, and fear that had just set in, enveloped me.

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this is a photograph that I took from the breakfast table where I sat every morning to study the Word, pray, and listen to God’s Spirit.

 

Unfortunately, as a Christian woman, it wasn’t JUST fear of leaving Ray that was causing my anguish, it was a deep concern that in doing so, I would displease God.

 

“For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel,” ~Malachi 2:16

I was suffocating under the controlling abuse of this man, but felt that since I had made a covenant, it must be God’s will that I stay married to him, EVEN if it killed me.

Eventually, I did decide to leave…

As I look back now, with the 20/20 clarity ONLY given us in hindsight, I feel that my most glaring mistake, was that I didn’t leave sooner. However, this simply wasn’t a decision I could make without FIRST diligently seeking the Lord.

 

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I only have a couple of unfinished sketches to share with you today; my apologies, it’s been a hectic week.

As with most brides, I walked down the aisle believing that my marriage to Ray would last a lifetime, but not long after we wed, that began to seem impossible.

In the months following the wedding, my husband seemed to grow more and more angry with me, yet for what I could not say. Soon I became physically ill, from the constant contention between us.

At this time, I was trying to do what the church guides women to do in marriage, submit more fully, pray for God to change my husband’s heart, repent for my wrongs and ask God to transform me, without pointing my finger at what Ray had done, all the while trusting the Holy Spirit to be the one to transform my husband, and my marriage.    

I tried to honor Ray and receive the instruction he gave me, in total submission of his leadership…but I couldn’t satisfy his unquenchable thirst for validation, and shows of appreciation.

No matter how hard I tried, I continued to fall short.

No matter how much appreciation and praise I lavished upon him, he said I was ungrateful.

Things began to escalate, as the punishments he implemented to teach me respect, were becoming more severe.

Up until that time, I had been completely focused on me as the problem, obsessively reciting the prayers from a book called “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian

Morning, noon, and night I called out to God…

BELIEVING FOR A MIRACLE, while fervently PRAYING,

then I would pray some more,

and eventually I began FASTING AND PRAYING.

I was warring in the spiritual, binding and rebuking, setting loose God’s blessings over my life, and asking God for a breakthrough.

However things continued to get worse, I couldn’t for the life of me, grasp why?!?

As my efforts continued to produce no fruit, I’d gone from kneeling in prayer at the foot of my bed, saying “Lord please save my marriage,  

TO—-being curled up on the floor of the closet, covered in snot and tears whispering “God Please deliver me.”

and so it began…

~Genesis 15:20

“As far as you’re concerned, you were planning evil against me, but God intended it for good, planning to bring about the present result—the survival of many people.” 

 

 

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One day I asked Ray about a purchase he had made for $1,700. He refused to tell me what he had spent the money on, and was offended that I’d EVEN ask him about it. Abruptly he turned around and screamed in my face that I was gaslighting him, before storming out of the room….

Stunned, I stood there thinking, “what is gaslighting?”

If I was “gaslighting” my husband, I certainly wanted to understand what it was, and stop doing it.

So still in a daze from what had just happened, I pulled the phone from my pocket and began to research the term gaslighting...but to my surprise, nothing about asking my husband a question constituted gaslighting.

I began contemplating, was Ray trying to make me believe something that wasn’t true, or was he confused?

As I continued to read through the post from “Psychology Today,” explaining exactly what gaslighting was, I stood shocked with my mouth literally hanging open, as I saw my husband’s behavior jump off the webpage at me!

I wasn’t the gaslighter, HE WAS!!!

That day, my husbands outburst had actually lead me to understand what was happening to me.

He had UNINTENTIONALLY opened a DOOR, that would eventually lead to my FREEDOM.

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Now it was making sense, Ray was psychologically abusing me.

Just like the article described, he would talk me in circles, accuse me of all manner of things, interrupting me when I tried to offer a response, and then he would dig in his heels, determined to convince me of things that I knew weren’t true.

Sitting down with my newfound knowledge, I took a look back across the decades of my life, and could clearly see that God has always answered my prayers…

just not always, in the way I thought He would.

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this is still in process, but I think it’s starting to come together nicely

 

“Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns

 

Thanx for joining me today…I’ll be posting “Discovering the Truth” Part 2 shortly, with updated photo’s of my drawings.

If you’ve enjoyed my journal so far, please click the “like” button and/or post a comment.

I’d LOVE to hear your feedback.

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For previous posts on “Fearfully Made”  my online Healing Art Journal, just click on the link here.

RESOURCES: IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU MAY BE EXPERIENCING PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR BEING GASLIGHTED, I highly recommend the book “THE GASLIGHT EFFECT” by Dr. Robin Stern